Hipocricy in Hipocricy

Just recently found a piece of information about myself

Okaay. a quick post.

So I found out on this college break about my lineage. Actually, it’s nothing fancy whatsoever, and nothing that holds prestige whatsoever in this current society. Besides, there are probably hundreds - or thousands people in this country that may share the same bloodline as myself.

So I apparently am (or would be) an Rr. Though it is in itself literally nothing as I have mentioned, it is still something to know that you are distinctly related to a king of some sort. Although it hasn’t been descended to me yet because it hasn’t been written in my clan’s family tree (hell I didn’t even know I belong in a clan)

It was from Mataram sultanate, I don’t really understand but from what I know, Mataram sultanate is the kingdom before it is broken down into Yogyakarta and Surakarta Sultanate. So I descend from some king in Mataram Sultanate, whose son doesn’t make it to be a successor whose children will be princes and princesses and continue to rule in Yogyakarta and Surakarta.

I understand that a lot of people nowadays don’t really care about those kind of title, much less use it. Some even ashamed to put an R. in front of their name. “it’s too feudal.” They say. Well it probably is an embolism of feudalism, and people simply chose to disregard it and live their daily life as usual. Because javanese nobility customs and powers don’t really work nowadays, except in the inner-keraton environment that have an actual ruler who-well-still rules. In essence, it holds no significance at all whether to possess or not to possess a title. All people live as a common citizen now. Power and wealth are mainly decided through intelligence, hard work, and the way pursuing it. I’ve seen a lot of family that live in severe poverty, even when they have noble ancestry. 

Yet then again, i wonder, were I know this earlier, would I be prouder of myself? would I look for people that share the same bloodline as me? would I find out more about javanese tradition? would I learn how to speak ‘kromo’? etc etc. 

If that’s the case, I am grateful of knowing and not knowing about this matter. I am relieved of my initial ignorance, and also thankful of my awareness later on. Because what good does it do had I known earlier? when I was still very unwise and impulsively acting my judgement.

But I am quite grateful I sort of figure it out. Because it gives me some sense of understanding, some sense of self-acknowledgement of what, how, and where from I really am. I think I become more aware of my own ancestor, and also my own culture. Yes culture which is deteriorating nowadays with all the universality, globalization, and stuffs. I realize that I don’t know ‘hanacaraka’ at all, can speak barely a comprehensive sentence of even javanese ‘ngoko’, Don’t understand any tradition in the family and just doing tradition for the sake of ‘tradition’, and so on.

And suddenly I felt really ashamed. Even more so now that I know my lineage. I feel like an ignorant person who doesn’t respect his upbringing.

Because I think, in the end it’s not about what a title can give to you. It’s about what you can do and contribute to live up to that title. And how can I live up the title when I am unaware of lingering cultures that surround me which barely even exist anymore, standing in line to be extinct, yet yearning to be preserved?

I just hope for people, myself included, to be more aware of what we actually have, and how we are losing it.

And try to start. One step at a time.

Crushed and crushed is very similar, anyway.

Shit.

I don’t wanna fall for you.

Nope. Just let me cut this before things get even further. Kaay. bye~

But please cut it out? 

Post before exam

It’s been quite a long time since I last updated~ and when I want to update, I update it in the middle of exam week. I don’t know what I am thinking. -_-

But yeah, too much stuffs have been passed since I last updated, lots of activities, new experiences, maybe a little shift in personality too.

I don’t know, but I feel like I am quite bubbly nowadays. Well I still love poetries and philosophies, but I just feel a little less dark than before. I think i consider the perception and aura that i possessed a little bit mediocre for now.

………

Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing with this blog. What it’s meant to be, what am I supposed to do with the writing style, was it coherent enough, and why does it even need to be coherent? who are the audiences of this blog anyway?  I’ve already stated that I don’t want to write anything meaningful on purpose here. it is merely for my fascination and this is the place where I can write without worrying what the feedback would be. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love writing. I love it. Very much. I love writing short stories, proses, and poets. Well, especially proses and poets. But I just can’t help but wondering whether my writings are understood by other people, or whether they leave good impression. I want my writings to leave a certain mark in people’s mind, i want it to be more than mediocre, more than superficial. So when I write, I write for people to read, then I just getting really insecure of the feedback. But in here, this is not anything great whatsoever, his is just me, rambling, mindtalking, speaking to myself, or expressing whatever emotions which lie within me. It is not necessarily have to be great, no. in fact, it is not natural if it is great, because human has flaws. I have flaws. Human minds are random. Well so does mine. So It is okay for all of my writings here to be incoherent, right? because i write for no one, i write because i feel like it. I don’t exactly wrap the tales within proses and adornment of words. It is just me. A quick whispers at the back of my head. And a quick typing of those glimpses of words.

Or so I think.

But maybe, it is nice to think that I am making these writings to my future self. Yes. Maybe to track a record progress or something? I’ve written a few diaries in the past, and when I read it back all over again, it never fails to amaze me, what exactly I have thought in the later years. Sometimes i feel ‘No, you’re wrong kid, you’re too overwhelmed by that.’, or ‘Oh my god I can’t believe I have ever think of that.’, or ‘Why I can’t have those feelings anymore?’ or ‘What a pompous twat.’

It was always so full of amazement, and that makes me grateful that I have recorded my ideas in some form of transcripts. Sometimes it can be very nostalgic, and sometimes it can even triggers back a seemingly new idea I haven’t been thinking for years. So, maybe by doing this, I can please my future self, or remind my future self to not doing some things, or even affecting my future self personality development. Perhaps. 

…….

Oh yeah, I got a new experience within these past two months by the way. It’s acting! Well, i think it must be very hard for my friends in Junior and senior high to imagine myself to act. Lol yeah, because how can this shy, introverted person act? Well I don;t even know myself. But what i do know though, is I have always been appreciating any form of arts. be it music, paintings, or writings. And art of gestures and emotions just happen to be one of them. Well actually, it started by my inability to join the music class, because it has already been fully booked. I was so sad that time, because I really wanted to learn musics from periods to periods, like baroque, classic, or romantic. And I also want to learn how to sing like in the opera, coloratura etc etc. And I wanted it so bad I cried when I knew I can’t sign in for that class.

And, I chose theatre class as a second option. Why exactly? I don’t know. I wasn’t even sure if I could do it. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if I can speak one line without fooling myself up. On top of that, theatre class is known for its difficult-to-pass GPA score. So why then? well I still don’t know, maybe I just want to experience something different. Maybe I want to be out of my shell for a while, and be expressive. Oh wait- I remember. I also wanted to explore my emotions and try to be less introverted. yeah.

At first, I was sooooo nervous. I still remember how scary it was to say out your lines out loud in the group session (reading practice). But thanks lord, I did not stutter that much. Jocasta. that was my very first cast, from the story: Oedipus Rex. I still remember how fun it is to play this character. From that on, I gained courage. I start looking through acting videos and how to explore emotions. I discover that acting on stage and acting on screen is an entirely different things.

Acting on stage is all about telling a story. Everything on you, your body, your gesture, arms, legs, has to be integrated in a motion that will help deliver the story. The voice must be loud, and the stage approach must be broad. The microexpression is not essential, because It is not very visible. In fact, it is better to exaggerate the expression a little bit so it can be seen for the audiences. Whereas Screenplay acting, is about to make a perception. It is about how to make a character look real, how to sculpt emotion to a tiny little detail. It is okay if the voice is not loud, as long as it is delivered in the right moment, with the right intonation and the right emphasize. Your eyes and wrinkles are the one that tell the story, and it’s also about making other people and other actor feel what is it that you are expressing right now. It is about make them feel loved, if you play lovers, or make them feel hated, if you despise them.

What is really vivid for me and what leaves great character impression is my theatre Final exam play. In which I wrote half of the scenarios. I really love this character. The setting is Indonesia Dutch colonial times. the character is called Kirana, she’s a dancer who is in captive. As an idealist dancer, she despises nationalism with all her might. She perceive Independence and nationalism as something futile. Something vague and dirty in this world. I was really, really excited by this character. I tried to do an in-depth character approach, where I ask a lot of my friends who know a little bit about politics. I still remember how hard it is to make a smart and witty remark for Kirana’s skepticism in Nationalism. I have to read some articles, reviewing Nietzsche’s ideals, and have a midnight discussing session with friends. But I didn’t regret it a tiniest bit. I wanted to make it work. I had already in love with the character. So I want to make it work. Really bad.

Yeah, even if my acting skill is at the very beginner level, but never do I feel restricted and forced to act a certain character. I try to play it with my heart. Even if it doesn’t look good on stage, or even if I missed it here and there, at least I was satisfied. I play it with genuine love.

So that’s it for now. I hope I can write more frequently so I can have any ideas of what am I doing these days. 

“Jangan pernah percaya dengan ucapan “aku belum belajar” di FK.”
— @mahasiswaFK (via mahasiswafk)

i’ve had enough of people like you

enough 

enough.

Idealism is not always the case in this matter, but your bitterness, your pompousness, and your tendency to look better than others are.

Why would I care?

.

.

Stop dragging me into a scene of black and white movie full of Nazi’s theme and activist. stop being so radical.

Stop nagging

Stop Criticizing

Stop.

STOP.

Stop reminding me of myself.

Well. Details.

Well. Details.

(Source: fyeahanatomy)

COT.

Just a quick post. I am so emotionally shaken right now.

I don’t know what to do, or say, really, I still literally flinched when remembering today’s event. I don’t even know why i’m writing it in a personal blog where everybody can see, but I guess I just want a release, because I find myself fidgeting all day and feeling unstable.

I’m feeling ashamed, but then I realized, there’s no point of being ashamed, because it WASN’T my fault AT ALL. In fact, it was a reminder for myself to be extra careful.

Okay. I was groped.

Okay, I don’t think it’s quite a molestation or harassment, considering it was just a caress, which still able to make me feel like shit this entire day, but I felt so violated!

I was in my driving lesson, and my coach is a male (you probably see where this goes). I was handling my steering and quit focused to the road and the surrounding, considering i’m still learning, even though it actually was my last driving class. The car seat wasn’t really comfortable, I keep pulling and adjusting my seatbelt because I felt it pressing to my neck a little too tight. 

My coach realized this, and he offer to loosen my seatbelt by pulling it himself, and leave me to concentrate just on the road. I mutely agreed, and have absolutely no suspicion whatsoever, in fact I feel gratified with his help, and continue driving. 

But then, after a while, nearing the end of my lesson, his hand slowly moving upwards, trailing the path of the seatbelt, and resting right. Under. My. breast. And this where I started to think, ‘WTF man, oh shit.’. I first brushed it off as a coincidence, considering it’s just touching lightly, not pressing, so I just push his hand downwards with my elbow while still gripping my steer.  

BUT THEN, sometimes after, he did that AGAIN, this time when I tried to push it off, feeling three times more uncomfortable, his hand is very adamant, and unmoving.

What the freaking freaky freak.

To make matter worse, I was having quite an obstacle in the road, the cars was tightly packed and it was difficult to trespass in an intersection. So I have to really concentrate on the road.

And he took advantage of that. He literally, start moving his hand upwards to my breast, and brush his fingers slowly in a caressing manner.

WHAT.THE.ACTUAL.FUCK.

Just then I realized that no, it was not a coincidence, he is doing that willingly, and this is considered an act of sexual harassment. I panicked. I nearly lost control of my brake, and start to drive carelessly. Thankfully by the time he was doing that, I nearly arrived at the driving start point. When I get there, I slapped his hand, and gave him a death glare. 

And guess what? GUESS what?! He said, “I’m sorry.”

I was speechless.

YOU DON’T SAY SORRY TO SOMEONE YOU HARASS FOR GOD SAKE, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND CATASTRATED !!

I gave him unbelieving look, it is bad enough that he actually done that, but to brush it off as a trivial matter, and think that it is an easy matter to seek forgiveness for, I don’t know if he was bold or just plain idiot.

I don’t answer him, I continue to stare and go home as fast as possible. It was a good thing and praise the lord that my lesson fees has already been fully paid.

I’m 17, I’m still quite young, and have never encounter something sexual directly. The last time I was  involved in sexual interaction, I was a sperm. And I just heard stories and reading articles or blog when it comes to harassment, so I can’t relate to stuff like this when it comes to ‘actually’ encountering it, and I don’t really understand how to act or react.

I just want people to be more careful, this is my experience, I want people to be aware and I hope we can all be safe.